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"I'll Be A Kid in a Candy Store"

So what was Ron Artest's reaction to being traded to the Houston Rockets?

"I'll be a kid in a candy store," Artest said. "I'll be a kid in a store with a lot of candy. I'm going to dance with the stars."

I'm not sure what Ron was thinking of with that bit about dancing with the stars, but the first part was definitely a poor choice of words. He may have been trying to convey how happy he was to go to Houston, but when I think of kids in a candy store I think of a lack of self control. Kids in a candy store are free to eat as much sugar as their pocketchange will let them. Which is the problem with Ron's choice of words. People are worried about his self-control. And he may indulge himself as long as he can support it with his pocketbook. I smell an ironic self-prophecy.

Artest is going to exert no self control and when no one will take a risk with him next year, his next gig will be on ABC's Dancing With the Stars.

Because while everyone else seems to think this move helps the rockets, I think there is great risk that this will hurt them. After all, Ron Artest is crazy.

Thanks For Counting Us Out, JA

Here's an excerpt from JA Adande's latest piece on the Rockets picking up Ron Artest.

"Go ahead and group the Rockets with the Hornets and Spurs -- not just because they're in the same division, but because they can legitimately challenge the Lakers for their Western Conference crown."

Thanks for saving us some time, JA. Us Jazz fans don't need to spend time following the Jazz this year, because they obviously aren't winning the title. The irony is that we are the team that the Rockets can't seem to beat. Oh, well. I personally think the fact people are overlooking the Jazz again is good for the motivation of the team.

Asian Model Gets Unprecedented Contract Offer

Model, CJ Miles reportedly gets a four year, $15 million dollar offer to play for the new NBA team in Oklahoma City. Miles was unavailable for comment. She has no known experience with playing basketball and some have speculated that this is a PR move not unlike the Knicks hiring lifelong fan and Whoopi Goldberg look alike Eddie Franklin back in 1996.

My Interview with Mr. Garnett

I finally was able to catch up with Kevin Garnett, Forward for the World Champion Boston Celtics. Here are some excerpts from our discussion:

Me: Hey Kevin, thanks for meeting me here today, I am really honored. I didn't think that you would actually agree to do this when I left you that voicemail.


Kevin: Hey Clark, no problem, I mean you should have known that anything is possible...ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Me: Wow, that was loud. Cool, well, um, to my first question, How does it feel to finally be world champion?


Kevin: You have no idea man, I mean I haven't slept for like 37 days, I am just like taking cat naps. I am a big fan of cat naps, you know, like the spokesperson for cat naps. It is the greatest feeling.


Me: That's great, but are you worried at all about your health? Lack of sleep can cause some pretty serious problems. Headaches, Hallucinations, Fainting, Color Blindness...


Kevin: It causes color blindness? Shoot, I better get some sleep.


Me: Tell me a little bit about your teammates and coach. Ray, Paul, Doc...


Kevin: Oh man, they are like my brothers, those guys. I mean, Ray was like hitting all the big shots and Paul was playing lock down "d" on Kobe and hitting shots, taking it to the rim. And Doc, I mean, he like doesn't write up the gameplans so much as like call out the plays. He is so talented at what he does.


Me: You mean coaching.


Kevin: No not that. I mean he's okay at that, but I mean like all his medical stuff between games. He like fixed Paul's leg and adjusted Danny Ainge's back on the bus and even wrote Sam Cassell a prescription for Ritalin and stuff.


Me: That's weird. I thought only doctors could do that.


Kevin: He is a doctor. I mean his name is Doc, you know?


Me: Well just because you have a name, doesn't...nevermind. So after the game in an interview you said that winning the title was the second best day of your life besides the birth of your child. How did your wife feel about that? I mean, was this better than your wedding?


Kevin: Yeah. A lot better. I mean like the wedding was fine and all but it wasn't like an accomplishment or nothing, you know? And my wife understands that I have to put the team first during the season. Just focus on winning championships. I mean it is like I said in that interview. I finally knocked out the bully that has been teasing me at school, you know? I mean, not a real-life bully, but like a fake one...a perpetual one, you know?


Me: You mean a proverbial bully?


Kevin: No, I think I mean a perpetual one.


Me: Okay. About that bully, you said quote "I knocked that bully's @$% out." Did you mean literally? It is possible to do, but it would be hard.


Kevin: It wasn't a real bully.


Me: I know, I'm just asking hypothetically.


Kevin: I don't know how to answer that, I mean, I'm not a doctor.


Me: But Doc Rivers is?


Kevin: You bet.


Me: I hate to nitpick, but to be a doctor you have to either go to medical school or get a PHD. Doc Rivers has done neither.


Kevin: Well, maybe he is a doctor anyway. I mean, anything's possible...

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Me: Kevin, do you think you could stop that?


Kevin: Oh man, I am sorry.


Me: It's just that I only have one good ear, and you are kind of yelling right in it.


Kevin: Sorry.


Me: Well since this is a Jazz fan website, I was wondering if you could answer some Jazz questions for us. What do the Jazz need to do to become champions next year?


Kevin: Well, they are really close, first of all. I mean, they are the only western team to come in and beat us at our place. And Deron Williams is a beast. They need to lock him up for awhile. Boozer is great, using both his hands around the basket. They just need a guy to clean up around the basket, be a defender, you know?


Me: Is there anyone out there that they could get that would fit that role?


Kevin: Well he was in the draft, but they passed on him.


Me: Who is that?


Kevin: Trent Plaisted. Man, that guy can flat out play.